Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
