Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
