The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I need a burrito and a hug.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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