to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
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