Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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