I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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