Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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