You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
