just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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