True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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