I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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