yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
