i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
