he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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