now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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