grandma shit on top of the toilet
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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