a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
