My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He shit in the fireplace
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