Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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