i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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