you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
don't judge my taste in strippers
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
