Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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