I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
