my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
