Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
