I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
