She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
