i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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