I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
