i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
