My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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