I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
