saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
