i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
