The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
