Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
