I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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