Jerry, you need to find god
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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