these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
