Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
