Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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