Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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