dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
