My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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