My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
