Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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