the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
