I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
