I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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