Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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